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Old 04-14-2006, 11:13 PM   #1
scherzo
I know things
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Baldwin, NY
Posts: 259
Writing debut...opinions more than welcome

This is a 22 page story I wrote for a friend, starring 2 of his main characters. He hasn't produced any material with these women yet, so what I know about them is based purely on a loose outline. I haven't done very much writing in the last few years and figured messin' around with fledgling characters would be a good exercise.

Quick rundown of what I knew before hitting the keyboard, in my own words:
Main character "Rumi" arrives in a town called "Angel Falls", and quickly makes a name for herself in the local street fighting circuit. The town's resident queen bee "Sexi", has been in charge of the underground fighting circuit for years, and is an extremely gifted fighter in her own right. Rumi's presence has represented a challenge to her supremacy right from the moment she participated in her first contest. Sexi and Rumi have never fought, but their confrontation is inevitable. For now they settle for being the worst of friends....or possibly the best of enemies.

Just for fun I posted my version of page 4 in the art forum:
http://www.digitalwebbing.com/forum...715&postcount=1
Anyway...I'd be honored if anyone makes it to the end of this thing...but if I am so lucky...I'd love to know if it's any good. Thanks.

-scherzo
.................................................. .................................................. ....

PLAY DATE
(22 distressing pages from the files of Angel Falls)

PAGE 1
1) We open with a shot of a large office where clearly a major battle has occurred. Shattered glass, smoke, shell casings and nameless thugs are lying everywhere. A dark figure approaches a cowering man...the only other living thing in the room.
Dark figure: This is where your life should end Mendoza.
Rumi(off panel) You mean it's not gonna?

2)Up angle of dark figure raising his weapon, his face concealed in shadow.
Dark figure: I mean, I'm thinking you could put on a damned good show of begging for your life...and I'm betting I'd get a good amount of sadistic pleasure watchin' ya do it.
Rumi(off panel) Oh stop grandstanding and blast im you poser.
Sexi(off panel) Will you relax Rumi.

3)Close up shot of Mendoza's terror stricken face.
Dark figure: But I doubt a murdering son of a bitch like you, could come up with an actual reason why I don't blow your head off. I mean a real reason...that actually serves me and the balance of the damned universe in some way.
Sexi(off panel) 37 kills, including one with a rolled up copy of "Esquire". I'd say this man's EARNED his monologue.
Rumi(off panel) If he were really sadistic, he'd kill by making his victims READ Esquire.

4)Dark figure drops his gun
Dark figure: It must be your lucky day though...because I've managed to come up with one all by myself.
Rumi(off panel) Why do I get the feeling my DINNER'S about to come up?
Sexi(off panel) Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhush...you bitch.

5)View from behind Mendoza as he reaches for something near one of the bodies in the room. Dark figure in the foreground appears have his attention diverted.
Dark figure: What I realize is...if I kill you in cold blood...
Rumi(off panel) Uh oh..fatal mistake taking your eyes off the enemy...

6)Mendoza's attack with the knife is stopped by Dark figure, who simply grabs his wrist.
Rumi(off panel) Unless you're the STAR that is.

7)Dark figure violently yanks Mendoza's arm down, forcing the knife through Mendoza's knee.
Rumi(off panel) Medic!...serves him right for interrupting a time honored cliche.




PAGE 2
1)Rumi and Sexi are seen sitting in a mostly empty movie theater. Rumi is slumped to one side holding a soda and looking mildly disgusted. Sexi has her arms crossed on the seat in front of her, is resting her head on them, and appears to be watching the screen with rapt attention.
Dark figure(off panel) ...I'd be just like you.
Rumi: Wow...this flick is scaling heights of poignancy we haven't seen since like.."Knight Rider".
Sexi: filosofia valiosa
Rumi: Uh right...I was just about to say the same exact thing...

2) Close up of Sexi, who is still looking at the screen.
Sexi: It's Portuguese. My fancy way of saying don't dismiss valuable life lessons simply because their inherent wisdom has caused them to be repeated incessantly. Our cliches exist for very good reasons you know.

3)Full view of Rumi now standing up and stretching with a bored expression.
Rumi: Like "no money in the budget for a decent writer"?
Sexi(off panel) Let's start over.

4)Rumi and Sexi are walking down the aisle towards the screen. Rumi is still holding her drink. Credits can be seen rolling.
Sexi: Movies, especially BAD movies, can give us insight into our deepest hopes and dreams. This movie was constructed on an action film template of violence and retribution, and sold on it's promise of guns and martial arts.
Rumi: Which explains how you talked me into coming. So..?

5)The women are exiting the theater doors into a below ground parking garage.
Sexi: So...even given it's dubious status as street level entertainment, it's creators still felt compelled to include an element of thematic sophistication. Don't you get it...even complete idiots...WANT to be great philosophers.
Rumi: How...inspiring.
Sexi: Oh I think so.

6)Now walking past a row of vehicles
Rumi: So, if you were confronted with a man who'd murdered friends and relatives, and was an all around jackass...
Rumi: ...you'd spare their life in the interest of higher morality?

PAGE 3
1)Side view of Sexi reaching into her jacket, with a frowning Rumi watching her in the background.
Sexi: What? Uh no...'course not. I'd kill him as soon as his screams of agony got boring.
Sexi: Hold on my cell's going nuts.
Rumi: You're gonna make some lucky guy a fine Republican one day Sexi.

2)View from behind women as Sexi speaks into cell. They're approaching her convertible which has 2 figures standing alertly near it.
Sexi(into phone) Hey babe? Huh? Yeah look I should be pulling out of the garage in like 30 seconds, so like...get off my phone.
Rumi: Uh....why are there 2 theater workers hovering over your car? Oh please don't tell me...

3)Side view of the women facing the 2 male theater employees, with a smiling Sexi holding 4 hundred dollar bills in front of her. Rumi looks irritated.
Sexi: Gentleman! I dare say she looks immaculate!
Worker1: Thanks Sexi
Worker2: It was our pleasure Miss.
Rumi: So that's why nobody's manning the popcorn...

4)Shot of workers in foreground walking towards the camera, but waving back towards Sexi who is opening the car door. Rumi is walking around to the passenger side.
Sexi: Don't give me that look. You remember what happened the last time I left my car unattended here and some neanderthal moved my side mirror?
Rumi: Probably local cops.

5)View of both women in the front seat of the car with Sexi putting on gloves.
Rumi: Word finally got out it's adjusted so you can watch YOURSELF while driving.

6)Front view of Sexi with her hands on the wheel and a smile on her face.(sound effect of roaring engine)
Sexi: Well what can I say...

PAGE 4
1)Full page splash of Sexi's car rocketing out of the parking garage. Sexi appears to be blissfully happy, with a big smile and seemingly closed eyes. Rumi looks terrified. The parking garage's ramp is on a downward incline, so the car leaves the ground on exit. Movie marquee is visible in the background. It's almost midnight.
Sexi: I really am THAT cute.
(Rumi begins an inner monologue here that runs the length of the story)
Rumi thoughts: I've known Sexi for just over 2 months.
Rumi thoughts: She's the 21 year old daughter of Angel Falls wealthiest man. A reclusive billionaire who owns half the town.
Rumi thoughts: From the moment we met, she's treated me like we've been he closest of friends right from kindergarten.
Rumi thoughts: And I'm pretty sure she considers me an enemy.

PAGE 5
1)3/4 side view of Sexi behind the wheel smiling with Rumi in the back ground reaching for the car stereo. They're clearly driving extremely fast.

Rumi thoughts: I wasn't in town more than 30 minutes before I was approached by Sexi in a cafe. She launched into a weird briefing about Angel Falls street fighting circuit, that ended in a backhanded invitation to an event.
Rumi: I'm changing the station
Sexi: Knock yourself out bitch. As long as it's not headbanger music.
Rumi: Headbanger music? Good idea. I concur even...
Rumi thoughts: I've since discovered that the good mood she was in that day...is pretty much permanent.

2)shot of Rumi's left hand about to hit a button on the car stereo.
Sexi: Rumi I will turn this car into the next oncoming truck and kill us both!
Rumi thoughts: By simply watching me move in a cafe, this girl could tell I'd had extensive martial arts training.

3)Same angle of car stereo. Sexi's right hand parries Rumi's left.
Rumi: And risk scratching the paint job? You're bluffing.
Rumi thoughts: Which in turn...told me a helluva lot about Sexi's own level of ability.

4)Same angle of car stereo. Rumi's left hand appears to block an attack by Sexi's right.
Sexi: Oh my funeral is SO...going to kick your funeral's ass!
Rumi thoughts: Since I'm just inner monologue-ing...I guess I can admit she's pretty funny.

5)Front view of car with Sexi now seeming to adjust her rear view mirror. Rumi now looks fairly pleased sitting next to her. Bright headlights appear behind them.
Rumi: What's this? Surrender?
Rumi: STOP THE PRESSES..."Spoiled blonde fails to get her way"...interviews on page 11...
Sexi: hmmmm.....
Rumi thoughts: She's smart too I guess. She's rates the honor roll at her university, and I've lost count of the number of languages she can break into just to show off.

6)Close up of Sexi who now has a serious expression on her face.
Rumi(off panel) What?
Sexi: Put your seatbelt on.
Rumi(off panel) It's been on.
Sexi: You wimp.

PAGE 6
1)Sexi spins her car into a complete 180. The women are now in a fairly isolated section of town
Rumi thoughts: No one has seen Sexi actually compete in the circuit for close to a year now. The respect she commands at the local events is based purely on her reputation.
Rumi thoughts: The circuit had never seen another female competitor even approach the type of power she displayed.

2)The convertible screeches to a complete stop. Rumi has a shocked expression and Sexi glares past the windshield.
Rumi thoughts: Until me.
Rumi: Ok..s-so maybe you really don't care about the paint job.
Sexi: Calm down Rumi.

3)Front view of a van several yards in front of the women's car. although it's impossible to see past the windshield the sound of one of it's rear doors opening can be heard.
Sexi(off panel) I was afraid of this. You've probably heard my family has more than it's share of enemies about.
Rumi(off panel) We've been followed?
Sexi(off panel) Sure looks that way.

4)Sexi hops out of the car with Rumi looking nervously in her direction slumped low in her seat.
Sexi: They must be out of their mind to actual show up here in Angel Falls though.
Rumi: Who are they?
Sexi: Only one way to find out for sure.

5) Sexi approaches the side of the van while motioning to Rumi to stay put.
Rumi thoughts: Ok...this is new. A night out with Sexi has usually involved some not-quite-legal mischief, and sudden random violence. This is the first time I can remember being seriously worried about her safety.

6)Shot of Rumi slumped down in her seat removing her seatbelt.
Rumi thoughts: It's quiet. Maybe a simple misunderstanding. Wouldn't be the first time Sexi's been wrong about...

7)Shot of Rumi's face with shocked expression. As she's hears Sexi scream loudly from behind the van.
Rumi(whispers) crap.

PAGE 7
1)Low angle shot of Rumi running directly towards the front of the van
Rumi thoughts: Good grief...no choice now but to act.
Rumi thoughts: At times like this, I wish I had some of my big brother's military training backing me up.

2)shot of Rumi's foot leaving the ground and kicking up specks of pavement
Rumi thoughts: What would he recommend in a situation with so many unknowns at play?

3)shot of Rumi's "other foot leaping off the top of the van with a sound effect indicating fresh impact with the van's roof.
Rumi thoughts: Aggression I think. Shock and awe.

4) silhouette of Rumi in front of moonlit sky. Adjusting her body in mid-air for a stable landing.
Rumi thoughts: Throw the enemy off balance with a sudden show of unexpected power.

5)Rumi hits the ground in a battle ready stance.
Rumi thoughts: Press my strategic advantage.
Rumi thoughts: Whatever was inside this van couldn't have anticipated what's about to happen.

6)close up of Rumi's face with a confused expression.
Rumi thoughts: Unless someone told them of course.
Sexi(off panel) Wow. Eat your heart out Spidey!

PAGE 8
1)Sexi and 2 friends are leaning up against the rear of the van applauding. A 3rd man is visible inside the van also clapping. One of the group is a large young man Rumi has seen before, but has never been introduced to.
Sexi: Pay up Noriko. I told you...she's a total badass.
Noriko(in japanese) <I know she's tough..I just thought she'd, y'know...not care>
Sexi: You might as well speak English. I intend to translate every word anyway.
Rumi thoughts: The question that's going to nag me now is...would Sexi have come running to my rescue? Or anyone else's? I suddenly realize how much I want the answer to be "yes".
Rumi thoughts: Our relationship is not a healthy one I think.

2) long shot of the group with everyone visible. The 3rd man is stepping out of the van's side door.
Rumi: I understood every word...Noriko said, "Garlic and cheddar make a flavorful addition to cucumber salad." or possibly something about "axe handles".
Noriko: Ha hah ha...good one Rumi!
Rumi thoughts: Noriko is Sexi's sidekick/publicist.
Rumi thoughts: She is pleasant enough, but I know she's bothered by the interest her buddy Sexi has taken in me.

3)Noriko gives Rumi a hug which is not returned. Noriko's boyfriend Colin is visible behind her.
Noriko: It's good to see you again sweetie.
Colin: Hey Rumi. You're looking damn good as usual.
Rumi: Hey guys.
Rumi thoughts: Her boyfriend Colin is ok. Possibly because my presence in Angel Falls does nothing to upset the balance of his universe, like it does Noriko and Her Majesty.
Rumi thoughts: God that sounded paranoid.
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Old 04-14-2006, 11:16 PM   #2
scherzo
I know things
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Baldwin, NY
Posts: 259
PAGE 9
1) Sexi approaches Rumi holding the arm of the big guy. He has spiky brown hair and wears dog tags. He has a hint of a smile on his face.
Sexi: Rumi this slice of beefcake is Marcus. Maybe you've seen him in action.
Rumi: Yup. About a week ago. Impressive.
Marcus: I hear you're making quite a rep in this town yourself Lady.
Rumi thoughts: Marcus Robertson comes from one of Angel Fall's elite families. Given that the street fighting circuit is formally frowned upon by the town gentry, his participation probably makes him a defacto soul mate of Sexi.

2)Marcus shakes Rumi's hand with a pleased looking Sexi standing in the background.
Sexi: Marcus is on military leave at the moment.
Marcus: Seemed like a good time to hit the local circuits and see what the talent looks like these days

3) Down angle long shot with the entire group visible.
Sexi: Look Rumi, Noriko and Colin called me on my cell to meet up here.
Colin: We're heading over to that new club in Donehogawa Sq.
Sexi: Noriko said you probably wouldn't tag along, so if you'd rather sit home and watch Leno or something I'll drop you off now?
Rumi Thoughts: I'm not a fan of clubs. A fact Sexi is very aware of.

4)full on shot of Rumi with her arms folded.
Rumi Thoughts: She's manipulating me.
Rumi Thoughts: I know she's manipulating me.
Rumi Thoughts: And she's way too smart, not to KNOW, I know...she's manipulating me.
Rumi Thoughts: She sincerely wants me to go. I get that much. If she didn't she wouldn't have waited for Noriko and Colin to be around before springing this idea on me.

5)Rumi begins walking away from the group. Most of the group is visible behind her and Sexi is throwing up her arms.
Rumi Thoughts: I can't let her keep getting away with stuff like this though.
Rumi. That's ok...I can walk home from here.
Rumi: See you guys later.

PAGE 10
1)Sexi grabs Rumi's hand. The 2 are now out of earshot of the others.
Sexi: ok ok ok..stop Rumi. Look c'mon I get it. You're not going to let me pull your puppet strings for my own amusement.
Rumi thoughts: Yeah something like that. Something EXACTLY like that.

2)Rumi and Sexi are now facing each other. Sexi doing her best to look sincere and Rumi staring death back at her.
Sexi: I'm gonna be honest for a minute.
Sexi: You're way too gorgeous to be hiding away in that little room of yours all the time. It's a crime against the cosmic balance. A waste of human resources. And it bugs me.

3)Long shot of Sexi talking to Rumi that gives an idea how far away they are from the others.
Sexi: You need to be out, and to be seen, and to be worshiped. It's the American way or something.
Rumi thoughts: She's doing it again of course. Manipulating me.


4)Close -up view of Rumi whose expression has softened noticeably.
Sexi(off panel) And uh, for the record...I respect you.
Sexi: Now come play with me.
Rumi thoughts: This time...it's not bothering me so much. I resist the urge to smile.

5) Sexi's car and Colin's van pull up in front of a club called "Vice". There's a lot of activity swarming around the place, and a line of people behind velvet ropes hoping to get inside.
Sexi: This is it! And don't try to pretend you're not excited to be here Gloomy.
Rumi: I suppose it beats an open handed slap to the mouth
Rumi thoughts: although a slap to the mouth has the virtue of being over quickly.

PAGE 11
1)Colin, Noriko and Marcus gather near Rumi and Sexi just in front of the club.
Colin: Glad you decided to come Rumi.
Rumi: Well I'm a sucker for peer pressure Colin.
Colin: We were counting on it. You're going love this place. Trust me
Rumi thoughts: I seem to remember a time where I was comfortable around crowds, actually enjoyed parties, and could almost pass for "outgoing". I think I was happier then.

2) Sexi leads the way towards the entrance. One of the guards is already giving her a wave of recognition. Noriko is right behind her leaning towards her ear.
Noriko(whispering to Sexi) So are you like "with" Marcus tonight?
Sexi: Noooo...that particular ship has sailed my dear.
Noriko: So you had us invite him why....?

3)close up of Sexi who has turned to look directly at Noriko.
Sexi(in japanese) <I thought she might take to him.>
Sexi: I'm already sure I was wrong.

4)Sexi and Noriko are greeted by a guard who is already clearing the way for Sexi and her group.
Guard: So how many in your group tonight Miss?
Loud female voice(off panel) SEXI!

5) Sexi Noriko Marcus Colin and Rumi all turn and look towards the sound which is coming from somewhere in the line.
Noriko: What the hell?
Loud female voice(off panel) SEXIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!

PAGE12
1)A girl behind the ropes is violently waving her arms to the annoyance of the people on either side of her.
Girl behind ropes: Hey it's me! It's...


2) Shot of Sexi's group with Sexi in the front waving halfheartedly with a confused look on her face, and Noriko with a disgusted expression. Colin Rumi and Marcus are regarding the scene calmly.
Sexi: Carla Perkins
Noriko: Carla Perkins? Oh my God! From High School right. Were you friends with her?
Sexi: I used to say "Hey...looking good Carla" everyday during senior year with what I thought was obvious sarcasm.
Rumi: Sexi being mean to other girls in High School. I simply can't believe that.
Colin: Now THAT was obvious sarcasm.

3) Profile view of Colin with Marcus right beside him. Sexi can be seen in the background talking to the guard.
Colin: If that's the same Carla from Templeton she actually IS looking good. Lost weight I think.
Marcus: She knows Sexi eh?

4)Sexi and Rumi lead the way through the club entrance with the rest of the group visible just behind them.
Rumi: So what about Carla?

5)Shot of Sexi turning to look at Rumi with bored expression.
Rumi thoughts: She doesn't want to say.

6)guard walks over to Carla's spot in the line. She's looking at him anxiously
Rumi thoughts: Which can only mean one thing

7)shot of Carla leaping with joy as the guard unclasps the rope near her.

PAGE 13
1)Large panel establishing club Vice. Lights everywhere, dancing, scantily clad women, the usual.

2) Sexi is dancing with some dude

3) Marcus is dancing with some chick

4) Noriko and Colin are dancing with each other

5) Rumi sitting at the bar having a soda.
Rumi thoughts: Party on Rumi.

PAGE 14
1) Carla steps up to the bar beside Rumi holding up a card for the bartender.
Carla: I'll have a Tropical Storm please. Thank you.
Rumi thoughts: It's Carla..or was it Marla. She looks like a kid on Christmas morning about now. I wonder if Sexi's spoken to her tonight?

2) Carla turns and smiles in Rumi's direction.
Carla: I don't wait to be asked for ID anymore. Makes sense just to hand it over right away at our age don'tcha think?
Rumi: Beats me. I'm drinking a Dr. Pepper.
Carla. Oh. Holy cow, y-you came in with Sexi earlier right?

3)Carla puts her hand on Rumi's arm and leans in towards her with a look of awe on her face. Rumi looks mildly amused.
Rumi: That I did. Is your name "Carla"?
Carla: THAT'S RIGHT! Oh God, what did she say about me?
Rumi: That you were uh, friends...back in highschool.
Carla: Really? "Friends"? She used the word friends?

4)Carla is now standing and has her hand on Rumi's shoulder. Rumi is still perched in her barstool.
Rumi: Well she...
Carla: This is amazing running into her here tonight. I've been attending college in Europe and I'm back in town for just a few weeks visiting my parents.
Carla: When I think of Angel Falls, Sexi is the first and last thing that comes to mind.

5)Front view of Rumi and Carla. Rumi now looks genuinely interested in what she's saying.
Rumi: She didn't give me the impression the 2 of you were that y'know...close.
Carla: No we weren't really. In fact I'm surprised she remembered my name even. But back in those days she was practically a rock star at Templeton.

6)Close up of Carla with a wistful expression on her face.
Carla: All the girls there looked up to her. Even the girls she wasn't...particularly nice to.
Rumi(off panel) I'll bet there were a few of those.
Carla: I guess.
Rumi thoughts: And Carla here doesn't seem to realize she was one of them.

PAGE 15
1)Long shot of club with Rumi and Carla clearly visible in the background
Carla: You need to understand though. If anyone there had a right to be a bit conceited it was her. She worked hard on everything she did, and was the best student in the school academically.
Carla: I heard that when she was a kid Sexi was stabbed almost to death by a real deal assassin!
Rumi thoughts: Whoa. She never told me anything like that. But if it's true, it explains a few things about her father.

2) Outline of male figure in the foreground approaches the women who are still engaged in conversation.
Rumi: Did she ever talk to you about...
Marcus: Hey street fighter!

3)Marcus steps in between Rumi and Carla. Both look slightly affronted.
Marcus: So this is where you been hiding out eh?
Rumi thoughts: Oh great. Just when I'm getting some useful intel on Sexi this lummox decides to make his move.

4)Marcus sit's in he stool next to Rumi. Carla walks away with her drink in hand waving back at Rumi.
Carla: Uh listen it was nice meeting you uh...
Rumi: It's "Rumi"
Carla: What a cute name. Look I'll see ya around Rumi.
Marcus: Heh I remember that chick. One of the losers who used to idolize Sexi back in the day.

5)Side view of Marcus and Rumi at the bar. Marcus has placed his hand on Rumi's thigh and his right foot on Rumi's barstool footrest.
Marcus: Listen why don't the 2 of us head over to the lounge where we can get comfortable and chat.
Rumi thoughts: This seems like a good opportunity to further unravel the "Sexi" puzzle. Marcus here has obviously known her for some time, and probably could tell me more than Carla.

6)Frontal shot of Rumi frowning at Marcus.
Rumi thoughts: He's not really in her inner circle the way Noriko and Colin are, which might make him more willing to speak freely.
Rumi thoughts: There's just one little problem.

7)Frontal shot of Rumi's eyes...which have narrowed considerably
Rumi thoughts: The hand that's currently creeping up my thigh.
Rumi: Marcus please take your hand off me.

PAGE 16
1) Marcus has moved his face to within inches of Rumi's
Marcus: Say pretty please.
Rumi thoughts: Marcus is a big, strong and handsome guy there's no questioning that. There's no doubt about his power either. From what I've seen of his handiwork, he may even be close to Imperial Class level.

2)Same angle, but Rumi is smiling now.
Rumi thoughts: All things that would make his being an absolute creep tolerable. But his hand you see...
Rumi: Ok I tried asking nicely. Now I'm going to grab your leg and violently spin you off that stool. By the time you realize I'm not joking...you'll already be face down on the floor. Ready?
Marcus: Huh?

3) Marcus hits the floor with a crunch. Rumi's boots are visible in the background.
Rumi thoughts: Colin was right. I DO love this place.

4) 3/4 side view of Rumi who has resumed drinking her soda with a bored expression. Marcus is on his feet behind her looking very angry with a bloody nose.
Marcus: I'm gonna mess you up good for that!
Rumi: Fear, panic, terror! Oh what will I do now?
Sexi(off panel) Hey Rumi!

5)A grinning Sexi puts her arm around Rumi and grabs the soda with her free hand. Marcus is now right behind both of them with a bitter look on his face
Rumi: Sexi?
Sexi: Put the drink down. You're dancing with me now and that's an order. Hiya Marcus.
Marcus: Uhhhh.....
Rumi: You know I don't dance.

6) Sexi is walking backwards holding both of Rumi's hands. Dragging her towards the main dance floor.
Sexi: You're feeling better now I bet
Rumi: A little maybe. You saw what happened?
Sexi: Of course I did.
Rumi thoughts: Is that supposed to be her way of saying she's looking out for me? I have to admit I'm glad she showed up when she did.

7)Front view of Marcus' face in shadow. People behind him are laughing.
Rumi thoughts: I'm not sure what would have happened if she didn't.
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Old 04-14-2006, 11:18 PM   #3
scherzo
I know things
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Baldwin, NY
Posts: 259
PAGE 17
1) Rumi and Sexi are now surrounded on all sides by people dancing. Sexi has already begun moving to the music, and Rumi is trying to talk to her.
Rumi: Listen that guy Marcus worries me.
Sexi: Yeah hey look sorry, I don't remember him being such a masher. Cute though right?
Rumi: Look I get these feelings see, and there was something in his eyes that's creeping me out a little.

2) Sexi is now dancing very close to Rumi clearly trying to force a response from her.
Sexi: Oh right, the "eyes" thing yeah. It's called LUST Rumi.
Sexi: Your spider sense is telling you the young man wants to lavish attention on your butt.
Rumi: He's wearing an army knife on his ankle, did you know that?

3) Sexi grabs Rumi's hips from behind. Rumi now has the beginnings of a smile on her face.
Sexi: Uh oh you're starting to move with me a little. This song doing something for you is it?
Sexi: You better say yes or I'll just assume it's all me.
Rumi: It's the song dammit.
Rumi thoughts: She's having way too much fun teasing me to take anything I'm saying seriously.

4) Rumi and Sexi are now both clearly having a good time partying on the dance floor.
Rumi thoughts: I've haven't had any real fun dancing since I was like 13. We're getting very noticeable attention from the men around us, and I'm pleasantly surprised to realize it isn't bothering me.

5) Close -up of Rumi's face shows a look of concern.
Rumi thoughts: What's this?

6)(Rumi's POV) Marcus is leading Carla by the hand out the club's rear fire exit.
Rumi thoughts: Yuck. Looks like Carla's about to get cozy with that jerk. I hope he's learned a lesson from what happened to him before and finds his inner gentleman.

7) Broad view of club with no one in particular identifiable.

PAGE 18
1)Rumi is walking into the lounge. A fairly dark room on the upper floor with several people milling about, and one or 2 couples making out. Glass windows make most of the lower level visible
Rumi thoughts: Whew. Actually worked up a sweat. How long was I out there? It had to be more than an hour.
Colin(off panel) Rumi!

2)Colin is sitting alone on one of the lounge sofas holding a drink and looking very pleased. Rumi is walking over to him.
Colin: So?
Rumi: So what Colin?
Colin: So I'm waiting to hear how glad you are you came tonight, with an emphasis on how yours truly predicted same.

3)Rumi plops down on the couch next to him smiling.
Rumi: Oh don't you start.
Rumi: I already know Sexi's never gonna let me live this down.
Colin: You don't trust her do you?
Rumi thoughts: I'm stunned. Not only by the directness of the question, but the fact that it neatly summarizes the problem I've had with Sexi from the moment we first met.

4)Close up of Rumi who is now looking away from Colin with a concerned look on her face.
Colin(off panel) Something wrong?
Rumi thoughts: God I hope not.

5)Rumi and Colin are now on the first floor making their way through a crowd that has formed near the rear fire exit.
Rumi: Where's Carla? I didn't see her on the way down. She was so happy to be here tonight. I don't see her? Where is she?
Colin: I don't know Rumi.

PAGE 19
1)Rumi has forced her way outside where there are several people standing around near the exit door. Paramedics in the foreground are attending to a female.
Rumi thoughts: That's ok...I already know where she is.

2)Rumi walks up behind a distressed looking Noriko who was already standing outside.
Rumi: Noriko! Are you ok.
Noriko: It's Carla
Rumi thoughts: I watched her walk back here with him.
Noriko: She was beaten up, and maybe sexually assaulted.
Rumi thoughts: I knew he was dangerous.

3)Shot of Carla's badly bruised unconscious face, with a paramedic holding a bandage in place along the side.
Noriko: whoever it was also slashed her face really badly.
Rumi thoughts: She was so happy to be here tonight.

4) Noriko's hand in the foreground points toward Sexi who is speaking to a police officer.
Noriko: Sexi's over there giving the cops some background on Carla.
Noriko: She seemed...
Rumi(off panel) Where's Marcus?
Noriko: Why would you ask about him?

5) Shot of Rumi turning her lowered head to look in Noriko's direction.
Rumi: Because...
Rumi: I think it's always a good idea to know where MARCUS IS!

6)Front view of a very nervous looking Noriko.
Noriko: H-He told Sexi he'd meet us later in the park.
Rumi: *Tell Sexi I'm leaving.*(Rumi's words actually appear at the beginning of the next page)

PAGE 20
1)Marcus is standing under a lamppost near the pond railing in Donehogawa Park. His back is to the camera.

2)Same shot as 1...only camera has drawn closer and Marcus turns his head slightly towards it.
Voice(off panel) Time to pay up Marcus.
Marcus: What the hell are you talking about.

3)Same angle with Marcus now facing the camera and leaning down towards his ankle
Voice(off panel) You gonna add insulting my intelligence to the list? Now grab that knife you carry and defend yourself boy.
Marcus: Fine...you wanna die out here today...

4)Marcus hold up a blood stained knife and assumes a battle stance
Marcus: You picked just the right guy to screw with!
Voice(off panel) That's the spirit.

5)Marcus swings horizontally with his knife hand with a clean miss.

6)Marcus swings again in the opposite direction. Another clean miss.

7)In foreground a female hand is spinning Marcus' knife in the palm. Marcus is looking at his now empty right hand in horror.

8)Close up of Marcus' face crying out in pain.

PAGE 21
1) Marcus is lying on the ground clutching his leg in agony. His knee is impaled with the army knife and gushing blood. The shadow of his assailant looms over him.
Voice(off panel) This is where your life should end Marcus. But guess what, I'm not gonna kill you. Not because doing so would make me as bad as you, since I honestly couldn't care less where I rate on such an irrelevant scale.
Voice(off panel) I'm not killing you, because I figure you'll suffer more as a cripple rotting in jail.

2)A female hand in the foreground is seen reaching for Marcus' dog tags.
Voice(off panel) One more thing. I'll be relieving you of these.
Voice(off panel) You've forfeited the honor of wearing them.

3)Shot of a mostly deserted industrial area with a lone figure walking.
Rumi thoughts: Need to get home. Get in the shower. Get clean.

4)Closer frontal view of lone figure Rumi, who is walking home looking very bitter.
Rumi thoughts: Get some sleep. I'll wake up to a bright sunny day, and figure out some way to excuse my part in what happened to a very nice person tonight. No amount of payback is going to fix it for me.
Rumi thoughts: Maybe I can even shake off this terrible anger I'm feeling towards...
Sexi(off panel)HEY...BILL BIXBY!

5)Sexi's convertible pulls up in the foreground. Rumi does not turn to look in her direction.
Rumi thoughts: I know it's irrational to be mad at her. She didn't realize Marcus had gone off the deep end.
Sexi: Sheesh I've been driving around for half an hour looking for you. You're getting a cellphone this Christmas and that's the end of it.

6) Shot from opposite side of women with Sexi in the background driving very slowly and Rumi in the foreground still not acknowledging her presence.
Sexi: I finally remembered you lived near the industrial zone..and well, here I am.
Sexi: Although...to the casual observer, it might seem that you're not all that pleased to see me.
Rumi thoughts: I know what it is. It's the sickening idea that she doesn't even CARE that infuriates me. That she didn't bother to say 2 words to Carla, when even a little attention from Sexi might have kept her out of that alley.

PAGE 22
1) Rumi puts her hands along the sides of Sexi's car, leans towards her with a furious expression on her face. Sexi hits the brakes.
Rumi: Do you care about anyone Sexi? Do people's pain and suffering even register on your radar? Do you get that there are people who actually like you, and want you to be a part of their lives? That maybe they might need to believe you're capable of returning their feelings for you?


2) Profile view of Sexi who is now looking directly ahead and frowning.
Sexi(barely audible) Rumi...
Rumi thoughts: I can't believe I said that last bit out loud. I instantly feel my anger replaced by embarrassment. I liked the anger better.

3)Rumi is turning to leave. Sexi is grabbing hold of her wrist.
Rumi: Uh, look...it's been a tough night and I really need to get home...
Sexi(off panel) Give me time ok.

4) View from behind Rumi. Sexi is now smiling up at her.
Rumi: What?
Sexi: I said give me time.
Sexi: You don't trust me, so there really isn't anything I could SAY, that would help our situation.
Sexi: Your mission? Stick around long enough to leave no room for doubt, that I'm worth getting that sad face over.

5) Long shot of Rumi standing beside Sexi's car with a good view of their industrial surroundings.
Rumi thoughts: And just like that, my mood begins to brighten just a little.
Rumi: I guess a ride home might be a good place to start?
Sexi: I wholeheartedly concur.

6) Rumi points at something inside Sexi's car.
Rumi: What's that hanging from your mirror?
Sexi: Hmm? Oh these

7)Shot of Sexi's right hand holding a pair of dog tags hanging from her rear view mirror
Sexi(off panel) Souvenirs.
Sexi: Which reminds me, did you tell the cops what you know about Marcus?

8)Sexi's car driving away from the camera, with both women inside.
Rumi: Of course I did. Why? Don't you believe he was responsible?
Sexi: Probably.

THE END.
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Old 04-18-2006, 02:28 PM   #4
DannoE
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Alright. I printed this out and will read it tonight on the way home. This normally isn't my bag in terms of writing and plot, but you hooked me with that splash, which is great as both art and a teaser. Nice job!
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Old 04-19-2006, 01:08 AM   #5
RichardB
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My worst nightmare: one of those people who can draw like nobody's business also turns out to be a good writer. Sigh! I see my services aren't required here...

Anyway, before I go off and slit my wrists, let me say that in addition to the whole thing generally reading well, there were plenty of individual lines that made me smile without breaking the overall flow of the story. The witty banter and wordplay makes me like the characters right off, and that makes the whole thing work.

Since my vanity requires me to find some fault here...hmm, let's see...ah, here's something. Where your script says "Rumi thoughts:" it would be better to simply write "Caption:" as that's clearly what you intend. On first reading, before checking out the sample page, I was wondering if you meant those to be thought balloons rather than captions, even though the context suggested you didn't. Okay, my battered ego feels a little better for that nitpickery.
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Old 04-19-2006, 08:42 AM   #6
DannoE
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Yeah, I agree with Richard, that this is a really strong story. You've obviously crammed in some writing work in addition to your art studies, and the result is a great treatment of a concept that I considered ridiculous when you described it briefly at the start of the story.

My one overarching crit - take it for what it's worth - is that I think you overwrote this a bit. You could (and probably should) cut some of these captions down a bit. For example, from Page 5:

"She's smart too, I guess. She rates the honor roll at her university [which one?], and I've lost count of the number of languages she can break into just to show off" could become: "She's smart too, I guess. Honor roll. Dean's List. And I've lost count of the number of languages she can break into just to show off."

and

"Which in turn told me a helluva lot about Sexi's own level of ability" could become simply: "Which in turn told me a helluva lot about Sexi."


I've seen your art and have no doubt you could draw this, but if I hadn't seen your work, I would certainly suggest trying to find a way to combine some of these panels. As is, I think a lot of artists would struggle with the pacing and visual emphasis here. You have a bunch of pages with a bunch of panels; in the hands of a newbie, that could turn into a train wreck.

Bottom line: this is a good read. Way better than almost anything I've ever read here. Newbies should take note of this because it's a good example of why "Good" is soooo much better than "average."

Nice job.
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Old 04-19-2006, 01:25 PM   #7
scherzo
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Quote:
My worst nightmare: one of those people who can draw like nobody's business also turns out to be a good writer. Sigh! I see my services aren't required here...

Anyway, before I go off and slit my wrists, let me say that in addition to the whole thing generally reading well, there were plenty of individual lines that made me smile without breaking the overall flow of the story. The witty banter and wordplay makes me like the characters right off, and that makes the whole thing work.

I appreciate you talking the time to read this Richard. I'm also glad you responded BEFORE slitting your wrists...cuz let's face it, no one likes a bloody keyboard.

I'm particularly glad you liked the characters. I'm pretty fond of them myself, and believe their relationship could(and should) be the driving force behind this concept. Of course that's ultimately up to the guy who created them, which I'm sad to say ain't me.
Quote:
Since my vanity requires me to find some fault here...hmm, let's see...ah, here's something. Where your script says "Rumi thoughts:" it would be better to simply write "Caption:" as that's clearly what you intend. On first reading, before checking out the sample page, I was wondering if you meant those to be thought balloons rather than captions, even though the context suggested you didn't. Okay, my battered ego feels a little better for that nitpickery.

Holy crap you're right! Hmmmmm, too late to fix now I guess, but you can be damn sure I'll correct that the next time I sit down and write this type of script again. Thanks for critiquing this Richard. I'm more grateful than you know.

-mark
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Old 04-19-2006, 01:49 PM   #8
scherzo
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Yeah, I agree with Richard, that this is a really strong story. You've obviously crammed in some writing work in addition to your art studies, and the result is a great treatment of a concept that I considered ridiculous when you described it briefly at the start of the story.

Thanks DannoE. Yeah I don't think I did the Angel Falls concept justice in my brief description up top. My devious plan was to draw attention to it, by posting a flashy teaser in the art forum.
Quote:
My one overarching crit - take it for what it's worth - is that I think you overwrote this a bit. You could (and probably should) cut some of these captions down a bit. For example, from Page 5:

"She's smart too, I guess. She rates the honor roll at her university [which one?], and I've lost count of the number of languages she can break into just to show off" could become: "She's smart too, I guess. Honor roll. Dean's List. And I've lost count of the number of languages she can break into just to show off."

and

"Which in turn told me a helluva lot about Sexi's own level of ability" could become simply: "Which in turn told me a helluva lot about Sexi."

This is a good point. 90% of the scripting I've done in the past, has been after I'd already completely a breakdown of the page layout. As a writer I've always felt a bit restrained by the limitations of "space" on a comic page. Since I'm strictly wearing the writer hat here, I kinda let the words rule. It's definitely a "writer's" story that's for sure, but I agree the script could probably use some trimming.
Quote:
I've seen your art and have no doubt you could draw this, but if I hadn't seen your work, I would certainly suggest trying to find a way to combine some of these panels. As is, I think a lot of artists would struggle with the pacing and visual emphasis here. You have a bunch of pages with a bunch of panels; in the hands of a newbie, that could turn into a train wreck.

Yep caught me again. When I plotted this out initially it totaled 24 pages when I was aiming for 22. I ended up condensing a few sequences(and scrapping one)to make it the proper length. The result of course being more multi-panel pages than most artists would be comfortable with. I think it'd be right up J. Scott Campbell's alley off the top of my head.
Quote:
Bottom line: this is a good read. Way better than almost anything I've ever read here. Newbies should take note of this because it's a good example of why "Good" is soooo much better than "average."

Wow, I'm definitely glad to hear the stellar review DannoE. Really these are the first critiques I've ever received based strictly on my writing, and I was braced for the absolute worst. I'm mulling over another one shot script featuring these characters, and if it ever materializes I'll be sure to post it up. Thanks.

-mark
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Old 04-26-2006, 01:48 AM   #9
Fahnon
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I had already read this offline as this script is based off of my characters and concept (though SCHERZO gets a co-creator credit for Sexi...) and I thought I'd share my impressions.

At this point SCHERZO has written more for my own characters than myself! I might be uncomfortable with that if I didnt feel he was doing ATLEAST as good a job as I would imagine mine turning out. I think he has a really great handle on the characters personalities and does banter way better than I could...

I would have to say the only problems I had with the scritp are purely from a "not the way I envisioned it" standpoint that's inevitable when two creative types collaborate and really has no bearing on the enjoyability of the story! On a scale of 1-10 I would give it an 8.9. Keep up the good work!
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Old 04-26-2006, 05:44 AM   #10
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A very enjoyable story, likeable characters and easy-to-follow script. I especially liked the way you brought out both girls' characters, and the teasing ending.
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Old 04-28-2006, 05:16 AM   #11
scherzo
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I would have to say the only problems I had with the scritp are purely from a "not the way I envisioned it" standpoint that's inevitable when two creative types collaborate and really has no bearing on the enjoyability of the story! On a scale of 1-10 I would give it an 8.9.

Fahnon continues to be annoyed that I slightly altered my original ending, which upon reflection, came off more "dark" than I was comfortable with. The funny part is, if I hadn't mentioned what my original version read like(basically Sexi giving a more coarse response to Rumi's angry outburst) I doubt the issue would even be up for debate. Anyway I've been working on convincing him these characters have the potential for many great adventures, so maybe he'll get off his A$$ and start work on the series already. I need more people to join the chorus though.
Quote:
A very enjoyable story, likeable characters and easy-to-follow script. I especially liked the way you brought out both girls' characters, and the teasing ending.

I'm glad you liked the ending AthenaRose. I'm even more glad you actually made it TO the ending. I know 22 pages in pure script format can be a bit of a challenge, but the story simply had no point without it's final act, so I hadda post it all. I'm seriously grateful that you and Dannoe and Richard took the time to read it. You rock!

-scherzo
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